How to smell like a man

Hey, guys, how would you like to smell like “Wilderness, Open Air & Freedom”? All you need to do is introduce your underarm to Old Spice Denali deodorant, one of the many different brands available in the increasingly crowded category of men’s personal body care products. Clearly, times have changed since Right Guard was the only game in town. Nowadays Procter & Gamble and Unilever alone have made choosing deodorant feel like sampling different flavors of ice cream. For the discerning male trying to make sense of the myriad brands filling the air with pungent aromas, I’ve simplified your choices into five categories, ranging from the sickeningly sweet to in-your-face pure macho:

1. The Sweet Smell of Success


The Procter & Gamble Old Spice Fresh Collection has cornered the market on products for men who want to smell like women. Fiji promise to make you radiate a scent of “palm trees, sunshine & freedom.” Aqua Reef “gives your armpit that fresh Caribbean feeling it craves.” But Unilever isn’t going to go down easily. Its notoriously fruity AXE deodorant line features something called “Twist,” which relies on green colored lettering and a lime colored stick to give you a “fresh burst that evolves into a smooth, sexy scent” (according to the AXE website), as if to address head-on any fear on the buyer’s part that smelling fresh and sweet is going to turn you into a complete wuss. Want to get the girl? Smell like her.

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Now that’s what I call superhype

Everyone stop what you’re doing and take note: Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant has a new look coming soon! I don’t know what exactly the new look is going to be, but I am sure my day will become enriched and more exciting as a result.

You say you don’t care? Well, someone at Old Spice does because I’ve been noticing the chirpy and cryptic “NEW LOOK SOON!” stickers affixed right where you can notice them up close and personal. Apparently we should not expect any new product enhancements to make the modern man feel more fresh and vibrant, just a mysterious new look.

Evidently Old Spice considers itself in the same league as an automaker or a hotel that builds excitement for a makeover or a new design. But in the early morning, when I’m barely conscious of being awake, I’m not quite sure I’m ready to genuflect on a new look for a roll-on deodorant.

Someone please get Old Spice Guy on the case here.